“I’m never going to amount to anything in this world”
This thought crossed my mind often. The thoughts I had about myself mainly used to be this because I lived in a box of people’s expectations and because of that I couldn’t do much without their approvals. I used to be a pushover, a people-pleaser with no self-respect and self-esteem. I regularly wanted to prove myself to people. I always wanted people to like me, to approve of me. My inferiority complex was severe. I always felt as if I’m not good enough. I presented myself as the person anyone could knock around and honestly, the friends I was around did nothing to help. Instead, I had to further cage my potentials just to please them. So, I became this person that couldn’t do anything without not seeking the opinions of other people. It affected me and my relationships with other people. I also found myself in an unrequited relationship and the pain only worsened the inferiority.
Presently, I’m not sure if I really fit the description of loving myself. I do though, to an extent. I’m still not completely confident about myself. I still have to convince myself to answer questions in classes because nobody is going to laugh at me. I still have to tell myself that I’m good enough. I still have to tell myself that my relationship with others should not be at the expense of my self-worth.
The big step I took for me to love myself was realizing that love is a choice and realizing my self-worth. Knowing and telling myself that I’m enough. Loving myself doesn’t mean being selfish though. I enjoy being the rainbow in someone else’s cloud. I enjoy brightening people’s days through simple acts of kindness because as I’ve come to realize, little things matter the most. I appreciate the little and big blessings life offers me. I appreciate my family and friends. I find things that interest me and I create a purpose for myself. I hold myself in high esteem. I associate with people that motivate me. I reduced the rate of which I worry.
Friendship wise, I experienced the best of friends and I also experienced the worst of them. I’ve had friends that made me feel insecure about myself, likewise, I’ve had friends that lifted me. In the end, what matters is that I learned from my mistakes. I realized that it takes two hands to clap and I can always be my second hand.
The moment I realized that love isn’t just a feeling but also a choice, I chose and I will continue to choose to love myself. Loving myself and realizing that I’m good enough brought me out of the box of people’s expectations. I set boundaries and I started doing what I love doing the most, reading, knowing things, talking, writing. I created goals for myself and I held on firmly to my family’s mantra which is
“Whatever I’m doing, I must do it well”
Right now, I’m still scared of being lonely. I’m still not very confident about myself speaking in public. In fact, starting this blog was a little hard because of the “what if I fail” voice in my head. Here I am though, writing and proving that I’m good enough. Even if I fail, at least I tried. Above all, I matter very much. I matter to myself. I matter to the world. I matter in my relationships. I matter in everything I do.
In the middle of writing this piece, I thought about changing the title to “being a rainbow in someone else’s cloud”, but then I realized that to be a rainbow, I actually have to love myself. Well, today I was a rainbow in someone else’s cloud. The big-hearted thank I received made me happy and it brightened my day. After that, I had a short rest, took a walk, talked to a friend, brainstormed, and I came up with this